Traveling Towards Worthiness

I'm Jeanette, a 42 year old successful, never-been married single woman.  Being single has left me feeling like there is something wrong with me.  I have believed I don't measure up because I have never been chosen to be someone's lifetime partner.  

I'm not one of those never-been married girls who has never dated.   Fortunately or unfortunately I have dated many men - players, toads, and nice but just not the ones.  I have fallen in love, thought they were the one, just to find myself right back in the same place - single and alone.  Then there has been the one I would consider to be "The one that got away." You know, the one you pray will come back into your life and realize his not being married either is because the timing was just all wrong and you're really meant to be together. 

I have cried out to God, yelled at Him.  "God, I am a single Christian woman who wants a ministry partner, someone to share dinner with, have fun with, talk with and let's be honest have great sex with. But pray as I might I still find myself - a fairy attractive, smart, funny, adventurous, kind, loyal woman walking this world alone. 

Don't get me wrong - I have a great family, amazing friends and godly people around me.  So I am almost never really alone.  It's just this longing that goes deep down that I am meant to have a man, a partner to share this life with, to help him carry his burdens and for him to help carry mine on those wonderfully strong broad shoulders of his.  Just the thought of it gets my heart pounding! Anyway...

I have been told and do believe that no man can fill the deep, deep and sometimes never ending hole in my heart.  And that has led me to this journey - what do I do with the longing, the desire to be loved and cherished.  Everyone says to allow God to fill it;  I get that.  But, I also long to be held, to be kissed and to be told I'm loved, needed and wanted by a man.  Can't I have both?  God's love and a mans' love.  God did say, "It's not good for man to be alone.  So He obviously meant woman too... 

Friends have said, "Jeanette I use you as an example of a godly single Christian woman to gals I know who are in their 20's and long to be married."  WOW!  How can that be after I've shed so many tears, gone through so many heartaches, have stumbled and compromised - always ending up right back in my Savior's arms asking Him to heal me, fill the hole, meet my needs, take away my desires.  That's just it - that's what all of us need to know.  We can always turn back to our Savior, our first love, our perfect love.  He will always accept me and you. 

Unfortunately we all have scars, beautiful scars He will leave so we can encourage and lift up those around us.  What I also see is that these men also have scars, a desire to be loved and honored and to be found worthy of my love.  Much sadness is there in how I have not honored them when I could have done so much better.

Why am I still single when I don't want to be?  That is the mysterious question God does not seem to want to answer.  But, I am so much of a better person for traveling toward worthiness.  Finding that I am worthy...because God has made me worthy. 

You may be struggling with your one sense of worthiness.  Let's go on this journey together.  What is He saying to you about your own journey in finding worthiness?  What are you struggling with?  Do you feel alone?  Fall back into the loving arms of your Savior like I do over and over again.  He is always there.